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What I am About in a nutshell

October 24, 2012

I have on my left wrist, a long white scar that is the result of at one point in my life hating myself so much that I wanted to mutilate my body in order feel better about not acting like myself. I was involved in a religion that I didn’t believe in, I was married to a woman that I knew didn’t love me the way I loved her and I was doing things for work that were going unappreciated. Being unappreciated for work one does is not unusual, and I know that. However coupled with the other events it added to my conclusion that I was worthless, and if I was worthless and all I was getting from the people immediately around me was friction for not doing enough to be who they wanted me to be, well then maybe I should be punishing myself too, so I did.

I feel it is worth saying that I am not proud of what I did to myself, and I don’t just mean about the cutting I also mean about the not acting on who I was on the inside. In my opinion and according to the value I now try and project, it was like lying, I was acting in real life based on what character I thought who I was with wanted to see. Everyone, I think, does this to some extent and it’s considered normal. But I went too far; I was trying to change my inside, secret person to be who I was acting like. The result was radical and often violent mood swings, deep depressions where I would stay in my bed for days and think of ways to end my life so my struggle with not knowing who I was would end.

Then I started meeting people, people who accepted me for whoever I was, as long as I had a good time doing it, and that is what changed me. Image

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One Comment
  1. Good job. This is a huge mindtrap I call egotism. Ego gets bad press, but as a healthy aspect it enables us to navigate life, in its bad form it becomes a set of strategies of approval seeking, which causes all those symptoms you describe.

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